A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky. Psychotic is the man who lives in it and a psychiatrist collects the rent.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replies, "I see millions of stars". "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets". Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, little Tommy stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Tommy?" "No, teacher," he says, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "That will be $17.50 please" says the bartender thinking the gorilla was stupid being an animal. So the gorilla gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don't very many gorillas in here" mutters the bartender. The gorilla replies, "At these prices i'm not surprised!"

A man whose credit cards had been stolen recently says that he will not report the theft to the police because the thief is spending less on the cards than his wife was.

Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

A frog telephones a psychic and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "In her biology class!"

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film". The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book".

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother!

Meet my new born brother. Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name? I don't know. I can't understand a word he says

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "But, that is not my dog!"

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What is a person who speaks one language? An American

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number!" replied the girl

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill, "What happened to her ?". "My dog bit her and she died". Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog ?" The man replied, "Get in line."

Phil had invited is best friend Mark and his wife Sheila for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Sheila a knife and fork dear?". "I didn't think I needed to," Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

A chemistry teacher writes a formula on the blackboard and asks a pupil what it is. "I've got it on the tip of my tongue." "Well, spit it out quickly. It's sulphuric acid!"

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking". "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".

THE PRISON HOSPITAL Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit

Airline food. It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. “What are my choices?” he asked. She replied, “Yes or No”.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays

A doctor to his patient: "Mr Palmer, I have bad news and very bad news for you." Patient: "Don't tell me that Doctor! OK, well, what is the bad news?" Doctor: "Mr Palmer, you have only got 2 days to live." Patient: "Oh no! And what is the very bad news then?" Doctor: "That I have been looking for you since yesterday to tell you that!"

The Naughty Riddle: Arnold Schwartznegger has a BIG one, Michael Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn`t have one, The Pope has one but doesn`t use it, President Clinton uses his all the time, What is it? - A last name... - Were you thinking of something else?

Pauline: "Do you love me?" Steven: "Of course I do. I would die for you." Pauline: "You always say that, but you never do it."

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you